“I just can’t erase you from my past. I just can’t delete you from my mind. All I can do is say gooodbye, I can’t pretend we were never here. I can’t fake like it didn’t hurt when you disappeared. I refuse to use a fake old grin, but then again, I’ll never win. I can’t pretend that I don’t care, I can’t pretend that you’re near. So I guess all I can do is just pretend to say goodbye.”—unknown
falling asleep with the fray on. thinking about how I want to be close with people but I choose not to be. people let you down or worse I let them down. sometimes you need that moment to push people away and just go down this road alone. doesn’t mean you love them less just means your losing yourself. I hate feeling list and I feel this way so much. I blame myself but also many people who have hurt me and gave me trust issue. you grow up thinking I can’t wait to get into middle school or high school and now that I’m in it I can’t wait to get out. my teacher asks then why are you still in your chair? the door is open. go be free.
Everyday i’m closer to fine who I am. Yet then again I’m losing myself along the way. I keep falling down. I’m closer to fine that I’m losing everything I want. I’m giving up before trying. I’m so confused. I seem to find myself on a path of lies and pain. I only have myself to blame. I keep think your so close I can almost grab your hand and I feel so at home then I wake and see your futher away. I depend on you and need you <3. Why did you leave? Tell me how it’s suppose to be? Please how I am going to make it through without you to help me up. I miss you more than ever. Your an angel now. I hope all your pain and suffering is done. I want to fine inner peace, if that exist. I keep pushing people away. I don’t want to be alone. I want a home to call my own. All the fear and pain to leave my mind. I try to be happy but it never last. Be the voice to tell me how to make it through.
Learn as if you’ll die tomorrow and learn of you’ll live enternally.
What does it mean to grow up? To take responsibility for your own actions? Even when it’s not your fault? Does it mean to be the only one standing and taking the punishment? I’m starting to grow up and get lovely wrinkles and black bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. Is this growing up? Where do I go after high school or even after college? It will be a fresh chapter in my life and I have no clue where to begin. So much I wish to do and so much time. Or is my time limited? I’m at the point in my life where things are pretty good but there is a few bad things I’d like to change. They could be better, but least things aren’t worse. I have wonderful classes and a few amazing friends. Its that in life what you just have to go forward and hope for the best. You keep your fingers crossed in hope that someday things will be even better the next time. You fight for what you believe in even if it’s completely wrong. Your opinions are your own and won’t be changed easily. You don’t back down or be pushed. This is your time to shine and no one can take that away. After I graduate college will be my time. I will finally be an adult. I’ll take everything I’ve learned in school and out. All the mistakes, regrets and even the right decisions. Everything will lead me to my future. I’ll succeed without all the people who want me to fail.
To all the people who I don’t get along with, I liked to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry we don’t see eye to eye. I’m sorry that I’m not the type of person who’ll change myself to fit in perfectly with you. I’m done living a lie. I’m done with people making me feel bad for their insecurities. Those are your issues not mine. If I ever insulted you, I apologize. If I ever misjudged you, I apologize. I can’t get along with everyone. I wish I could. That’d be wonderful but I can’t. I’ll try. Never hurts to try.
I just don’t care anymore. I wish apart of me did? I just don’t. I did so well not even looking back. I just kept moving forward but someone pulls me back when I get a step closer to happiness. It’s like not in my destiny. I’m destine to be just content my whole life. I’m always shut off. Like I don’t even care about anything. Just going through the motions and trying to get whatever needs to be done done. If I get it done, good then it’s time to rest or do laundry or get something else done. It’s never me time. I would love some me time. I can’t even finish reading my book. I was so into this series and now I don’t care anymore. WHAT HAPPEN TO ME?! I don’t just want to go through everything without being excited or annoyed. I want to feel something aleast.
My mind is coming to a blank and I’m running out of things to complain about….not really, lol. My finally words before I go to sleep.
I finally know what I want to do with my life. It’s taken so long to realize too. I want to see my world. I want to meet every single person breathing on this earth. The good and the bad. The rich and the poor. I want to give everyone a hug or a handshake and I want to make someone’s life a little easier. I want to be a totally different person. I want to change people’s opinions about me and the world. I want everything mean something. If that even makes sense. I want to be absolutely ridiculous before I die. I want to be truly happy. I don’t want regrets. I want to stand for something. I want to make a huge difference. Change doesn’t always have to be such a horrible thing.
“I’d have to tell him everything, I knew that. I’d have to explain it right, so he’d know I wasn’t settling that he was much too good for me. He already knew I was broken, that part would surprise him, but he’d need to know the extent of it. He’d need to know everything before he made a decision about me.”—n/a.
I’m lonely. I have no one to turn too at the moment. I’m tired and have so muchc to say but no one to say it too. I also get mad too quickly, and I can’t manage to keep the sheets on the bed! I shut down way to quickly and give up way to easily. I get lost and confused like every minute of the day. I clingy as hell and I hate when people leave without returning. Goodbyes forever aren’t my thing. If you’ve made it to my heart don’t try to leave. I’m not perfect or maybe not even your definition of pretty but you don’t love someone because they’re perfect. You love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.
I’m already stressing out with school. We have so much to do as seniors, plus it’s very expensive just to be one too. I don’t want to go to the prom but they won’t me to pay for a package that comes with a prom ticket. I don’t want or need this package. Thanks. My Psychology teacher says something that bugs me. He says that woman don’t need an education. Men do. I don’t know if he’s going or being completely serious but that’s very sexist. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen sexist people. I’ve been told my only place is in the kitchen, that men will always make more then me so no point to break a nail. People need to wake up. It’s 2009. Equal rights should be alive and kicking but some people rather live in the time of discrimation against skin and sex. It’s disgusting. If you look at me and see me as a black. Fuck you. If you look at me and see a woman who belongs in the kitchen? Again fuck you. I’m more than a black person, I’m a student and a daughter. Ps. I’m not just black, I mixed. I have my own lame story behind my eyes and skin. Your judgement isn’t required.
“So fail, be bad at things, be embarassed. Be afraid. Be vulnerable. Go out on a limb or two or twelve. You will fall, and it will hurt. But the farther you fall, the higher you will rise. The higher you rise, the clearer your fugure becomes. Failure is a gift, welcome it. There are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances pass them by, why they didn’t take the roads less traveled. Those people aren’t you. You have front row seats to your own transformation, and in transforming yourself, you might transform the world. It will be electric, and I promise it will be terrifying. Embrace that; embrace the new person you’re becoming. This is your moment. I promise you, it is now, not two minutes from now, not tomorrow but really now. Own that, know that deep in your bones, go to sleep every night knowing that, wake up every morning remembering that, and keep going.”—
My emotions are mixed right now. I can’t feel anything…I’m so tired I can’t even think cleary. I miss you. I don’t know what to do. I’m sad and so confused. I don’t get what people see sometimes. I need to stop seeing the bad things. Life is beautiful, people can be beautiful. Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone has traveled on one road or another. We all get tangled up sometimes. We all keep going and if one fails we must help them back up. We are one. One fails we all fail. Giving up isn’t the answer. I’ve changed? I have and I’m not sorry for it. I am who I am. (Sadness reminds me of the cab). I’m not sorry for changing. It made me stronger. It showed me who is there for me and who isn’t.
Goodnight moon. Your light has inspired me. You shine so beautifully and I know when I’m lost you’ll light my way. Even I have no where to turn, I’ll look up.
When I look in the mirror my past comes flying back. Things that make me cry and wish I could change. As I get older and finally started my senior year I have to learn that a regret and a mistake are totally different. I have to take everything I’ve done and make it apart of me. I have to walk tall and realize this is me and you can probably break me but I’ll still continue. I’m not a fighter. I’m just a daughter. A grand daughter of the fallen. A lover. A dreamer. I just want to make it to June 23, 2010. I want to walk that stage and know I did the best and it was enough. I want to be able to unpack my things and know this is my HOME. I won’t move anymore. I want to be able to face my fears without running away. Take each problem on step at a time. Without giving up. I want to be able to grow up and make someone proud. I want to let someone in and know I won’t have to let them go. I want to trust and know I won’t get hurt. I know though sometimes people will let me down. You can’t touch a hot stove or you’ll get burned. I can’t rush. Slow and steady <3. I want to wake up and smile. Nothing have a single thought on my mind and just be truly happy. Knowing today if filled with delights. Nothing will go wrong. Everything will be simply beautiful. I want to be called beautiful. I want to feel beautiful. I want to look in the mirror again and know that it’s not a lie. That my smile is meant to be there. My laugh is meant to be heard.
I want to find my way back to you.
You’ll probably only find a couple of people in this world, who’s hearts are pure and will tell you they love you. They will mean it with everything. Those are the people you can’t forgot, those are the ones who will stand by you. Through everything.
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t, at some point, think of you. You gave me some much and took away even more. You took one thing that I can never ever get back. You were my family. My only hope to believe there was good in this world. I trusted you and I loved you. You were mine to keep and hold. You abused that. I fell alone now… Where do I go? I sit and think. Why am I still here? How much more pain do I need to feel. How many times do I have to hear I’m not worth anything. I’m worthless. I get. Theres no guarentee that this life is easy but it doesn’t have to be so hard. We have to rise above. We have to reach the top. If we think of all the bad things then why continue….We have to remember that there IS good in the world. Everything comes with good and bad it’s just how you make it. No one can control you. The only puppet master of you is you. Don’t let go. Your almost there. Don’t give up.
Throughout life we meet some many people. Everyone is unlike the other. One person will be there forever. This one will understand in a way that no one would. You’ll never feel alone or sad anymore. This one person will lift you up. They will love you like no other. You’ll love them back. Goodbyes are truly hello’s. Love. A soul mate. You look in his eyes and just know you belong. In his arms it’s safe and warm. His loving touch and feeling. Nothing will tear you apart, not even time itself. Your his inspiration and he’s your muse. He won’t hurt you. He’ll call you beautiful at the right times and know just when you need that kiss. He will know when your day was horrible without having to tell him. He will know you inside and out. You’ll know his darkest secret and every nightmare that haunts him. You will love him for him. You will prove everyone wrong. You will prove true love exsist. That everyone has a chance. You will grow old together and know that your life was filled with happiness and love. You two will inspire the hopeless and light the weak. And in your last minutes you will look to him and your life will flash before your eyes. You will seem every minute spent was never a regret or a mistake. He was your life. She was your world. You two were made for each other. Your final words….I’ll always love you.
“I’ve told you many times that you’re worth so much better. I don’t understand why you can’t see that. I just don’t. And I don’t care if I’m not part of your life anymore, I don’t care if you never cared for me as much as I did for you, because I just need you to be okay; I just need you to realize what an amazing guy you are. All I want is for you to be happy. I cant help myself, I’m sorry.”—unknown
And here it goes again. You get that feeling when you see him. You know he moved on for good and you know you NEED to move but you see his eyes and you remember all the great times you had. All the laughs, tears, hopes and dreams. In his eyes you feel warm and safe. You just want to feel his arms around you once more. Then….you see her. You see her all over him and he tries not to look at you. You try to hide how hurt you on and you fake a smile. You try to just pretend to be okay when deep down you dying. He tries to talk to him and you make small talk and you die more inside. You wish that was you once more. You want his hands in yours.
If you need me, I’ll be there. If you want me, I’ll be there. If you need a friend, I’ll be there. If you need a shoulder to cry on, you can count on me. If you need to scream and shout. Yell at me. If you need advice, I may not the right words to say but I’ll be there. If you need to walk on the beach with someone I’m there. If you need to just runaway without looking back, let’s go. We’ll live this town forever and never look back. If you need someone to yell at your ex, just point him out and I’ll start screaming. I’ll throw a fit and make a scene. If you ever need someone in awkward silent, I’ll be there.
What makes you better then me? What makes you better then anyone in this world? You must really think your on the top of the mountain because you sure act like it. Your not better than me. Your not even on my level of respect. I don’t respect you or even like you. I don’t even pitty you.
Old friends. New friends. No friends. Life is blah blah blah. Everyone has their own opinions on life.
The past. If you CHOOSE to remember all the negative and bad things your day will suck. Your past will be a big all of negativity. You can move on because your wishing you could have or wish you fixed something. Does every minute seems the same to you? I sit around and think about how alone I feel. How bored out of my mind I am. I look at the look waiting for it to hit 3:06 then I’m one step closer to graduation. (yeah right.) I know this feeling can’t bring me places, and I know I’m losing lots of ground, but to keep up means to get up, and why does it have to be the world keeps on changing while I just stay the same? Is something wrong with me? Everyone is different. You see a girl who can be as tough as wood. You make a joke about her and she wouldn’t react. You see an insecure(sp?) about herself and make that one joke and it throws her off. You could be the reason why she crys or cuts or whatever issue she has. Then there is that one girl. Who can hide her emotions sooo well that you’d never know she feels out of place. Like she doesn’t belong in this world. She just knows how to hide it very well. I suppose I’m a little bit scared. To know that high school will come to an end. You’ll have to restart in a bigger place. With new faces.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination, not just in the mind. Its a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Yet when you don’t believe in love, it finds a way to make you a believer. And you always, always go crawling back.”—unknown.
So Day one of senior year has be checked off. Getting a memeber from The Cab to reply is also checked off. Although I think Bryan either hates me or thinks I hate him? It’s also funny because when he replied he said I’m the only one who didn’t care about what he said…I don’t believe this….I’m sure all the little The Cab haters don’t care. It’s just kind of sad because he annoys me but I do love him. When I met him at my first The Cab concert it was epic. Oh well.
I went back to my old high school today for my last year and already my X friends well I thought were my friends started talking. It’s so pathetic and childish. I mean if you have to say something to me say it to my face? I’m not scared of you anymore I really don’t care either. You both can go fall off a cliff for all I care. Sorry. I’m just a bitter person :)
My feet hurt, I’m super tired but my classes were pretty sweet. I’m excited for this year. Over all this day as been interesting.
-Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves and then we have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hello’s.-
Spelling on deprived? As I sit here listening to Mayday Parade thinking people must think Im seriously stupid. Hey maybe when it comes to you I am. You had me fooled but no more. Go suck yourself. It’s time I live my own life and cone out of the shadows.
Your seriously something. You were all I wanted. Now your all I want to get away from.
After a very long day of shopping and finding out I have eye problems I’ll try to sleep.
I wish I knew all the words to say to make everything okay. I wish I knew how your feeling so I knew how to make it better. I don’t. I’ve got nothing. I’m trying to be strong enough for the both of us but I can’t be. Then one day, I came to you and you didn’t help me. You have no wisdom, no sympathy. It’s like we’ve drifted apart from each other. I wish I’d care more but I don’t. I just don’t care anymore. I want to help you when you need me but right now I need a break from you. I need you to grow up for me. I never thought you’d be the one to treat me this way. I think you over react and your mean for no reason. You make little things WAY BIGGER. I’m sorry. I can’t be a good enough friend. I have my life. You have your life. In reality they aren’t meant to be combined.
You go east. I’ll go west. In time we’ll meet again, hopefully you’ll act your age.
I look in your eyes and I see freedom. I look in your eyes and I know I’m safe. I’m safe from the judgement and the hatred. I look in your eyes and I know I’m home. I know that with you is where I belong. Your mine and I’m yours. Together tangled in one another. Walking side by side smiling because we’ve found each other. You give me the strength to succeed. The hope to push foward. The chance to continue. When I give up you are there to show me another way. You lead the way through the dark. Your the sun when it’s raining. Only you understand me. You have my heart. I can tell my soul to you and know that you’ll never walk away. Never judge me for my wrongful thoughts or fears. And when it comes for our time to part we will never truly be apart. You will always be the wind that blows my hair. You will always be the reason I smile and laugh. The reason I wake up. When your far away, your still with me.
You have to earn everything in life. Well, that’s what I think. You have to earn a friendship. You don’t just sit by someone and never talk and BAM your best friends. Nope, you have to show them your heart. Show them that your there for them at 3 am when their car breaks down or they had a bad break up. You have to earn their trust and they do the same. You have to earn your place in life. You don’t get rich by sitting on your butt watching god know what. You earn your grades to become whatever you wish. You earn your bosses trust in hiring you and hopefully not regretting that move. Everything we want, we earn.
I was eating dinner with my mom at Kat and Dave’s. Lovely place. It started to get packed. ALL these kids started to come. I love kids sometimes but not when they are loud and all in your face when you don’t even know them. I was telling my mom, “gosh, i dislike kids.” Her reply to this was your a kid. I felt the need to start a fight about this. HA. I’m not a kid. I’m sick of being called just a kid. I’m 17 almost 18. I think by now I’ve earn the title of young adult. I’ve been through so much growing up. Things some people don’t even have to go through or even see in their life. I’m not saying oh boo who me. I’m just saying I’m not a KID. Yes people go through worse things. I give them my deepest sorrow. I wish I could help.